I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
