The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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