dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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