the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I need a burrito and a hug.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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