Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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