...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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