she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
