When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
