Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
