ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
