she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
