Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
