i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
