I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
