My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
It's rum buckets o'clock
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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