At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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