You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
