I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
