I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
