non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
