I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
