Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
