i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
