We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
