Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
