Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
