I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
