this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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