so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
