All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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