i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
