I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
