He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Randomize
