when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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