Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We are two peas in an std pod
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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