Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Green mimosas i think yes
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
