Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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