He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
