Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
