Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
