If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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