he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
