ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
i believe in u and ur pee
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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