throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
