We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Bring me that man meat
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
