I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
