No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
