Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
