He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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