you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
