so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
