he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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